The Longest Month

I feel like crying today. Everything I’m doing at work seems to come out wrong. I’m not the strongest when it comes to math – finding the gross, then the net; figuring IN or OUT commission – it’s just never been my forte. I’m trying my hardest, and no matter how hard I try, it seems like things are coming back around, biting me in the ass. On the surface it looks like I’m doing everything correctly, and then the technical Gods work against me, and this God-dammed program just does things “automatic”. Of course, being a novice, I don’t think to go back and check it out. I think “Cool, I did it right, move on to the next order.” But it’s that next order that forces the “automatic” to impose itself on the original order. Not that any of this is going to make sense to anyone but me. And even still… I DON’T GET IT. Maybe I’m hard-headed, I don’t know. But it seems like this whole month has just been trial and error, and the error is making me seem incompetent when I know I’m capable.

This is a sneaky job. To outsiders, or even my co-workers, it may seem laid back, and easy. Like I’ve got a lot of free time, and yes, I do. But the dark, ugly secret is that this position filters lots of money weekly, bigger numbers than they are aware of. And it all rests on my back, and the back of my rep. If one or both of us slip, or miss something, it not only means back tracking the whole process but going back to the client and explaining why we can’t do it right in the first place. I’m aware of “learning curves”, and that some jobs take getting used to but this isn’t one of them. You have to be fully prepared to jump headlong into the responsibilities. Maybe I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

Top that off with running around downtown today on my sorry excuse for a lunch, and I’m a huge ball of fun times today. Standing in line after line, dealing with huffing and puffing irritated sighs from people miserable to be doing what there are paid to do. I feel like the negativity of my surroundings, coupled with the frustration I’m feeling at work is making me a snippy desk-jockey today.

So what do I do? That’s the million dollar question. I tough it out everyday, hoping I didn’t eff something up the day before. A girl can dream.